How to Make People Like You Instantly

The sixth and final way to make people like you is the one Carnegie called the most important law of human conduct: make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely. Almost everyone you meet feels superior to you in some way, and the surest path to their heart is to let them sense, honestly, that you recognize their importance in their own little world.

He grounded it in the philosophers and the prophets alike. John Dewey said the desire to be important is the deepest urge in human nature; William James said the deepest principle is the craving to be appreciated. Jesus summed up the whole law of human relations in a single sentence the world had pondered for centuries: "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." You want the people around you to approve of you, to recognize your true worth, to feel important in your small world — so give exactly that to them.

Carnegie offered small, concrete phrases that grease the wheels of daily life: "I'm sorry to trouble you," "Would you be so kind as to —," "Won't you please," "Would you mind," "Thank you." These little courtesies oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life and are the hallmark of good breeding. They cost nothing, and they tell the other person that you regard them as a person of value, not a means to your end.

He told of a clerk and a postal worker, ordinary people brightened instantly by a sincere compliment about something they were clearly proud of. The compliment must be honest — the law is to make the other person feel important sincerely, not with the cheap flattery everyone sees through. Find the genuine thing you can admire and say it. As Emerson observed, every person you meet is your superior in some way; learn what that is, and acknowledge it.

The deeper point is that this is not a technique to be switched on for advantage and off otherwise. It is a way of moving through the world that treats each person as the hero of their own story — which they are. The cashier, the colleague, the stranger asking directions: each carries a hidden hunger to matter, and you have the power to feed it with a word.

The application is to look for the unnoticed good in everyone and name it, sincerely and specifically. Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours. Use the small courtesies. Make every person you deal with feel that they are important — because to themselves, they are the most important person in the world. Do this honestly, and people will like you almost instantly, and the warmth will come back to you many times over.