How to Get Cooperation

The seventh principle of persuasion is to let the other person feel that the idea is theirs. People have far more faith in ideas they discover for themselves than in ideas handed to them on a silver platter, Carnegie observed. Therefore it is unwise to try to ram your opinions down others' throats; it is much wiser to make suggestions and let the other person think out the conclusion.

He illustrated it with Eugene Wesson, an artist who for years failed to sell sketches to a particular New York stylist after more than a hundred fruitless calls. Then Wesson changed his approach: he carried a few unfinished sketches into the buyer's office and said, "Will you do me a favor? Here are some uncompleted sketches. Won't you tell me how we could finish them so they'd be of use to you?" The buyer studied them, told Wesson to leave them and come back — and when Wesson returned, the sketches were finished according to the buyer's own ideas, and every one sold. Wesson realized he had failed for years by trying to make the buyer buy what Wesson thought he should want.

The principle reaches back to ancient wisdom. Lao-tzu, the Chinese sage, taught that the reason rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them — thus the wise leader, wishing to be above people, puts himself below them; wishing to be ahead, puts himself behind. So when the leader stands above, the people do not feel the weight; when he stands ahead, they do not feel hurt. The leader who lets others claim the ideas leads without resistance.

The psychology is that we resent being sold and love to buy on our own initiative. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts. We hate to feel that we are being forced. A suggestion that lets the other person arrive at the conclusion themselves meets none of the resistance that a direct command provokes.

Carnegie noted that this works at home as much as at work: the parent or spouse who plants a suggestion and lets the other person own it gets cooperation, while the one who issues directives gets defiance. The salesperson who asks the customer to describe what they need, then reflects it back, sells more than the one who tells the customer what they should want.

The application is to convert your assertions into questions and your demands into invitations. Instead of "here's my idea, do it," ask "what do you think we should do here?" and shape the conversation so the other person reaches your conclusion as their own. Let them feel the idea is theirs — they will defend it, implement it, and credit themselves, and you will have gotten exactly the cooperation you wanted without a trace of resistance.