A Formula That Will Work Wonders for You

A lot of conflict is a failure of imagination: you can’t feel what the other person feels, so you assume they’re irrational or difficult.

Use a simple formula: assume they have reasons that make sense to them. Then go find those reasons.

Ask, “If I were in their position, with their pressures and fears, why would I act this way?” This doesn’t mean agreeing. It means understanding the logic behind the behavior.

Once you see their viewpoint, your tone changes. Your requests get cleaner. Your proposals address what they actually care about, not what you wish they cared about.

This also keeps you from moralizing. Instead of labels, you notice incentives, misunderstandings, and wounded pride—things you can work with.

When you can state the other person’s case fairly, they relax. And when they relax, they can listen. Understanding creates influence where force fails.