The Safety Valve in Handling Complaints

The sixth principle is to let the other person do a great deal of the talking. Most people, when trying to win others to their way of thinking, do too much talking themselves. Let the other person talk themselves out, Carnegie advised — they know more about their business and problems than you do, so ask them questions and let them tell you a few things.

He framed it especially for handling complaints and conflict. When people are dissatisfied or angry, the worst thing you can do is interrupt or argue; they are bursting with ideas and feelings that demand release, and until they get them out, they cannot hear you. So the wise course is to be patient, sympathetic, and to encourage them to express their grievances fully. The mere act of being heard often dissolves the anger entirely.

Carnegie told of an executive who calmed a furious customer simply by listening — refusing to argue, letting the man pour out his complaint three times, and agreeing he had a right to be upset. By the end, the customer had talked himself into a calm, reasonable frame of mind and the dispute settled on terms favorable to the company. The safety valve in handling complaints is to let the steam escape through the other person's mouth.

He cited La Rochefoucauld: "If you want enemies, excel your friends; but if you want friends, let your friends excel you." When our friends excel us, they feel important; when we excel them, they feel inferior and envious. So let the other person carry the conversation, claim the insights, and shine — it costs you nothing and wins you their loyalty.

The deeper truth is that we would all rather talk than listen, and the person who lets us talk pays us the rarest compliment. Even your friends, Carnegie noted, would much rather talk to you about their achievements than listen to you boast of yours. The patient listener who draws others out and lets them feel important earns a goodwill that the eager talker never can.

The application is to deliberately talk less and ask more. In a disagreement, let the other person empty themselves of every argument before you respond. In handling a complaint, listen with full attention and let them finish — twice if needed. Ask questions that invite them to elaborate. The person who masters silence and the well-placed question wins more agreement than the person who masters speech.