If You’re Wrong, Admit It

The third principle is the bracing complement to the second: if you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one's errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error.

Carnegie illustrated it with his own habit of walking his dog Rex, unleashed, in a park where leashes were required. A mounted policeman caught him and let him off with a warning. The next time, Carnegie was caught again — but this time he didn't wait for the officer to begin. He started first: "Officer, you've caught me red-handed. I'm guilty. I have no alibis, no excuses. You warned me last week that if I brought the dog here again without a leash you would fine me." Disarmed by Carnegie's self-condemnation, the officer ended up taking the dog's side and let him go.

The principle rests on a quirk of human nature: when we know a reprimand is coming, beating the other person to it by condemning ourselves robs the reproach of its force. There is nothing left for them to do but be magnanimous. Say about yourself all the derogatory things the other person is thinking, and say them before they have a chance — and you take the wind out of their sails.

Carnegie summarized it as a two-sided rule: "When we are right, let's try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking; and when we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let's admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm." That technique will not only produce astonishing results; it is a great deal more fun than trying to defend the indefensible.

He invoked the old proverb: "By fighting you never get enough, but by yielding you get more than you expected." Any fool can try to defend their mistakes — and most fools do — but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one's mistakes. The defensive person fights a losing battle for their dignity; the person who freely admits error keeps theirs intact.

The application is to make self-criticism your first move whenever you have erred. Don't wait to be accused; accuse yourself first, fully and cheerfully. It disarms anger, invites forgiveness, and demonstrates a confidence that defensiveness never can. Admitting you are wrong, quickly and emphatically, is not humiliating — it is one of the most persuasive and dignifying things a person can do.