A Sure Way of Making Enemies – and How to Avoid It

The second principle of winning people to your way of thinking is to show respect for the other person's opinions and never say, "You're wrong." Telling someone flatly that they are wrong, Carnegie warned, is a sure way of making an enemy — it strikes at their intelligence, judgment, pride, and self-respect, and makes them want to strike back rather than change their mind.

You can tell people they are wrong by a look, a tone, or a gesture as eloquently as by words — and the moment you do, they will not agree with you, because you have hit directly at their self-esteem. You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong; that stops all argument and inspires the other person to be as fair and open as you are.

Carnegie quoted the diplomat's approach of Lord Chesterfield, who advised his son: "Be wiser than other people if you can, but do not tell them so." And Socrates told his followers in Athens, "One thing only I know, and that is that I know nothing." If two giants of wisdom held their certainty so lightly, who are we to insist on being right out loud?

The replacement phrase Carnegie recommended is a small masterpiece of humility: "Well, now, look. I thought otherwise, but I may be wrong. I frequently am. And if I am wrong, I want to be put right. Let's examine the facts." Phrases like "I may be wrong," "Let's see," and "Perhaps I'm mistaken" work magic, because no one in the world will object to your saying them — and they invite the other person to be reasonable in return.

He cited research showing that when we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves; and if handled gently and tactfully, we may even admit it to others and take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness. But if someone shoves the unwelcome fact down our throats, we will not have it. Few people are logical; most of us are prejudiced and biased, blinded by preconceived notions, jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy, and pride.

The application is to drop the word "wrong" from your persuasion entirely. When someone states an opinion you think is mistaken, do not contradict; instead, grant that you might be the one in error, and propose to look at the facts together. You will keep the relationship, keep the other person open, and — far more often than by argument — eventually bring them around. Respect for another's opinion is not weakness; it is the only doorway through which a new idea can actually enter.