A Drop of Honey

The fourth principle of persuasion is to begin in a friendly way. "A drop of honey," Lincoln said, "catches more flies than a gallon of gall." If you would win someone to your cause, first convince them that you are their sincere friend; that is the drop of honey that catches their heart — and the heart, once won, is the great high road to their reason.

Carnegie contrasted the friendly opening with the combative one. If you come at people with your fists doubled, you can be sure their fists will double too. But if you come saying, "Let us sit down and reason together, and if we differ, let us understand why we differ and what the points at issue are" — you will find you are not so far apart after all, and that the points on which you agree are many.

He told of a tenant who wanted out of a lease and a landlord who could have refused. Instead of demanding, the tenant opened by sincerely praising the building and the landlord's management, expressing genuine regret at leaving. Disarmed by the warmth, the landlord — who had a reputation as a hard man — ended up reducing the rent rather than losing such an appreciative tenant. The friendly approach got what threats never could.

Carnegie reached back to one of Aesop's fables: the sun and the wind argued over which was stronger. The wind blew furiously to tear the coat off a traveler, but the harder it blew, the tighter the man wrapped his coat. Then the sun came out and shone gently, and soon the traveler took the coat off himself. Gentleness and friendliness, Aesop's fable teaches, are stronger than fury and force.

The deeper truth is that people cannot be argued into agreement; they can only be warmed into it. Sweetness and gentleness disarm; harshness and bluster harden. Woodrow Wilson put it that if you come at me with two fists, I can promise mine will double as fast as yours; but if you say let us reason together, we will presently discover we are not far apart.

The application is to open every difficult conversation with warmth, not grievance. Lead with sincere appreciation and a friendly tone; establish that you are on the other person's side before you raise the difference. The drop of honey is not insincere flattery — it is the genuine goodwill that makes the other person willing to hear you. Begin in a friendly way, and you have already won half the battle.