An Easy Way to Become a Good Conversationalist

The fourth way to make people like you is to be a good listener and encourage others to talk about themselves. The easy way to become a good conversationalist, Carnegie argued, is paradoxically to say very little — to ask questions that the other person will enjoy answering, and then to listen with rapt attention.

He recounted a dinner where he met a distinguished botanist and listened, fascinated, for hours as the man talked about exotic plants and indoor gardens. Carnegie said almost nothing; he merely listened intently because he was genuinely interested. Yet when he left, the botanist told the host that Carnegie was "a most interesting conversationalist." Carnegie's point: he had hardly spoken at all. He had simply been a good listener and encouraged the man to talk — and that, to the other person, is the highest form of flattery.

He quoted Charles W. Eliot, the legendary president of Harvard: "There is no mystery about successful business intercourse. Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that." Most of us, Carnegie noted, are so concerned with what we are going to say next that we do not listen — and people in trouble, people who are angry, even chronic complainers, are often softened and mollified by the mere presence of a patient, sympathetic listener who lets them talk themselves out.

He illustrated the failure mode too: the person who talks only of themselves thinks only of themselves, and the person who thinks only of themselves is hopelessly uneducated, however well-instructed they may be. "You are not interested in me," such a person silently broadcasts; "you are interested only in yourself." Few of us can resist the flattered feeling we get from a rapt listener, and few of us can warm to someone who waits impatiently for us to finish so they can start.

The mechanism behind the principle is that people crave appreciative attention more than almost anything. To be a good listener you must do more than stay silent — you must show, with your eyes and questions and undivided attention, that what the other person is saying genuinely matters to you. Put away the phone, hold the gaze, and ask the follow-up question that proves you were listening.

The application is to flip the instinct to perform. Instead of trying to be interesting, be interested. Ask people about themselves — their work, their challenges, their proudest accomplishments — and then listen as if nothing else in the room exists. Remember that the person you are talking to is a hundred times more interested in themselves and their problems than in you and yours. Be a good listener, encourage others to talk about themselves, and you will be remembered as a wonderful conversationalist who barely said a word.