Talk About Your Own Mistakes First

The third leadership principle is to talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. It is not nearly so difficult, Carnegie observed, to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that they too are far from impeccable. Self-deprecation first turns a reprimand into a shared, human moment instead of a one-sided judgment from on high.

He told of a manager whose young assistant kept making the same beginner errors. Before correcting her, the manager said, in effect, "You have made a mistake, but heaven knows it's no worse than many I have made myself. You were not born with judgment; that comes only with experience, and you are better at your age than I was at mine. I have committed so many blunders myself that I have very little inclination to criticize you — but don't you think it would have been wiser to do it this way?" The young woman accepted the correction gladly, because it came from someone who had first confessed his own fallibility.

Carnegie pointed to a striking case from history: a leader correcting a subordinate began by recounting his own early failures and limitations, so that the correction felt like one imperfect person helping another rather than a superior condemning an inferior. Admitting your own mistakes — even when you haven't fully corrected them — can help convince somebody to change their behavior, because it removes the sting of moral superiority that makes criticism so hard to swallow.

The psychology is that criticism wounds most when it comes wrapped in the critic's implied perfection. "You did this wrong" lands very differently when it follows "I did exactly this when I was starting out." The confession levels the ground; the listener no longer has to defend against an attack from someone pretending to be flawless.

It also models the very humility you are asking the other person to show. By admitting your own errors freely, you make it safe for them to admit theirs — and a person who can admit a mistake is a person who can correct it. Defensiveness dissolves in the presence of a leader who goes first in owning their imperfections.

The application is to precede any criticism with a genuine admission of a comparable mistake of your own. "Before I say anything, let me tell you about the time I got this completely wrong…" Then deliver the correction as one fallible person to another. Talk about your own mistakes first, and the person you are correcting will hear you as an ally, not an accuser.