How to Criticize – and Not Be Hated for It

The second leadership principle is to call attention to people's mistakes indirectly. Many people, Carnegie noted, begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word "but" and a critical statement — and that single word can undo all the goodwill the praise created. "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term. But if you had worked harder on your algebra, the results would have been better." Johnnie hears the praise as a mere lead-in to the blow, and questions whether it was sincere at all.

The fix is astonishingly simple: change "but" to "and." "We're really proud of you, Johnnie, for raising your grades this term, and if you keep up the good work next term, your algebra grade can be up with all the rest." Now the praise stands, and the correction becomes encouragement toward more of the same. The mistake is called to attention indirectly, as a path forward rather than a failure.

Carnegie's classic example is Charles Schwab walking through one of his steel mills and coming upon employees smoking directly beneath a NO SMOKING sign. He did not point at the sign and scold. Instead he handed each man a cigar and said, "I'll appreciate it, boys, if you'll smoke these on the outside." They knew that he knew they had broken a rule — and they admired him because he said nothing about it and gave them a little present, making them feel important. The rule was honored, and not a shred of resentment was created.

Indirect attention, Carnegie observed, works wonders with sensitive people who may resent direct criticism. A leader can let someone know about a mistake by asking a question, by praising the part done well and steering toward the part that needs work, or by addressing the issue as a general principle rather than a personal accusation.

The deeper reason this matters is that direct criticism almost always triggers the defensive reflex — the person spends their energy justifying themselves rather than improving. Indirect attention slips past that reflex; it lets the person see the gap and close it without ever having to defend their dignity against an attacker.

The application is to retire the word "but" from your corrections and replace it with "and," and to point at faults sideways rather than head-on — through a question, a forward-looking suggestion, or a small kindness that makes the standard clear. Call attention to mistakes indirectly, and people will fix them without ever hating you for noticing.